thethemeis: The Grass is Greener
theauthoris: Deadbeat
"Megan Fox.....with no limbs, or no face?"
Craig pondered the question a little, he always had to fill out the details, make the thing more believable. "So does she have any facial features at all?"
"No eyes, no nose & no mouth. So that's blowjobs out of the question."
"What about ears and hair?"
"She can have hair, but no ears. Like a shop mannequin with a wig on."
Craig smiled a little to himself as the image sank in. "I'd go with no face, can you imagine doing it with someone who has no limbs? It'd be a logistical nightmare, like fucking a pillow."
"Are fucking kidding me, you'd do the mannequin! This isn't just any face we're talking about, it's Megan Fox. I'd still smash her back doors in if she was covered in dog shit."
"But that's just you Andy, you're an old romantic at heart." Typical sarcy little prick. "What about you Dan, no face or no limbs?"
I'd almost forgot the guy was in the room, you couldn't blame me. He hadn't said anything for about 20 minutes and he just sat there starring at his jack & coke as if he were about to fling the thing across the room at any second. Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the guy it's just that he's always been much more Craig's friend than mine. The two of them worked together at some shitty service industry job years ago, the first job Craig got whilst we were still at school and being the good samaritan Craig is he adopted the loser with no friends. But even after Craig moved on he kept in contact with the guy. The joke is that Dan's still there doing the same shitty little job. Mind you, the good thing about Dan even back then was that he had his own place. It's just a small bungalow in the middle of bloody nowhere, but it was all you needed for a weekend drinking session. Even long after Craig and I had both moved out of our parents houses we regularly came down here to shoot the shit and give our livers a pounding.
"I dunno, faceless I guess." Dan mumbled into his half empty glass.
"You too!" I couldn't believe these two. "May I just remind you that have a choice between burying your bone in quite arguably the worlds sexiest woman or throwing one up some faceless freak. It's Megan fucking Fox!"
"Who's Megan Fox?" enquired Dan.
"Jesus Christ, it's like hanging out with Rain Man." I poured the rest of my drink down my throat and set off to the fridge to make another.
"She was in Transformers." said Craig, throwing Dan a rope.
"Haven't seen it." he replied.
"Of course you haven't." I yelled from the other side of the room. "You've probably not been to the cinema since they released Independence Day. Do you ever actually leave this place other than to go to work? I don't even know why we're asking you about this scenario. The only thing you've fucked in the last ten years probably is a shop mannequin." He just sipped his jack & coke and continued to stare straight ahead of him.
Craig chirped in. "Alright Billy big bollocks, calm down. You can have the human pillow and me and Dan will spit-roast the mannequin."
"Sounds good to me." I sat back down at the table with my fifth G&T of the night. It was far more G than T by this point. "Go on then Rain Man, it's your turn."
Dan slowly turned and looked me in the eye with a small smile forming at the side of his mouth. "Ok then, i've got one. Would you rather drink a pint of warm piss or eat a cracker with shit spread on it."
"That's easy," I abruptly replied, "a pint of piss."
"Yeah, i'd have to go with the piss too." Craig added. "Wait, how big is the cracker. Are we talking ryvita here, or just one of those small, salty tuc ones?"
"What does it matter? I'm not eating shit! Besides, you don't know until you've chosen one." I took another sip of my drink.
"Oh, we're playing those rules are we, then i'll stick with piss." said Craig.
Dan, inhaled loudly. "Ok then." He got up and walked towards the kitchen. Craig and I both watched curiously as he made his way to a cupboard in the far corner by the sink. He couldn't be getting another drink, he's still got a good third of his current one left. He pulled open the loose fitting door and produced two pint glasses full of yellowy-orange coloured liquid. Surely not.
"What the fuck have you got there, apple juice?" I was almost impressed that he'd bothered to think far enough ahead to do a prank like this. Even if it was a really shit one.
"Now you don't have to do it in one go, you can take as long as like, within reason." He laid a pint each in front of us and stood back as if waiting for us to begin. I gave my pint a curious sniff and recoiled in disgust.
"Christ Dan, you sick bastard! I suppose that's the colour you'd expect from a lifestyle of drinking nothing with an ABV below 5%." He smiled slightly to himself. "Good prank mate, you really fucking got us. Now take this stuff away from me, it's making me feel sick."
"No, you made your choice Andy. There's no switching now."
I looked across at Craig and he face showed a mixture of confusion and fear. He didn't really believe this tool did he. "It's called would you rather Dan, not you fucking have to." I barked at him, growing weary of his little joke. "There's no man with a gun to my head, i'm not going to drink your piss!"
Dan laughed through his nose in that little irritating way he does. "Well actually..." He reached down behind his back, pulled up his t-shirt and pulled out an old looking pistol which he slowly raised towards my head. I looked across at Craig again, I couldn't believe he was being sucked in by this stupid prank.
"Oooh, where did you get that Dan? Buy it in one of those antique shops in town? You can stand there trying to look as moody as you like, i'm never gonna believe that that thing's loaded, let alone that you know how to use it." He raised his arm holding the weapon above his head.
BANG!
"Jesus christ! You fucking lunatic!" I bellowed at him.
Dan smiled back at me, "To answer your previous question, this gun used to belong to my dad, I found it some years ago." I didn't know anything about Dan's family, come to think of it I didn't know much about the guy at all. I do seem to remember Craig telling me some years ago that Dan got the house after his parents died somehow. I bet the fucking psycho killed them. I always knew he was a freak, the amount of times I told Craig I didn't want to hang around with the fucking reject. "Now are you two gonna stop wasting time and drink up?"
I looked across to Craig, he reached out and grabbed the glass shaking slightly. He really believed this. Still, he knew the guy better than I did, maybe he knows when to play along. He recoiled slightly, experiencing the smell I had a moment ago. At least I knew this wasn't a stunt aimed at getting me to drink piss whilst the other two laughed on. He took a good mouthful and then screwed his face up letting a highly disapproving sound. Dan slowly turned the gun back onto me again. "Andy?"
"Ok, easy." I replied hurriedly. I reached out and grabbed the glass as Craig went for a second mouthful. He wasn't joking about it being warm piss, it felt like it was a fresh bash just cooked up today. But there was no way he could've pissed this much today, how long had he been planning this? Was there some sort of heater set up in the cupboard, Jesus Christ. I leant in and held my nose, if I was gonna do this then i'd do it in as few goes as I could. I poured what felt like a large amount down my throat before the taste finally got to me. I've read that some people regularly drink their own urine because of some sort of health benefits, but fuck knows how. Mind you, they probably aren't anywhere near as constantly dehydrated as the casual alcoholic with the gun standing in front of me.
I put the glass down and opened my eyes. I must have had at most an eight of the pint. I've never been a beer drinker and i've never been great at drinking large quantities of liquid in one sitting. After the third horrific mouthful with still three quarters of the glass to go it dawned on me what a mammoth task this was. Why didn't I go for the cracker? Sure it would have been disgusting, probably far more rancid in taste than this, but I could have done it in one go. One quick horrible moment, then be done.
The grass is always greener.
Five very long minutes later and I was finally done. Craig was done long before me, maybe he did have apple juice after all. He's always been closer to that psycho than me, maybe they did plan it all.
"Ok Dan, i'm all done. Joke over, i'm going home whilst I still have my fucking eyeballs."
"Whoa, you guys have been taking turns on this all night. I've only done one." Dan barked at me.
"Seriously Dan, i'm done. Game over."
"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN IT'S FUCKING GAME OVER!!!" In the 8 or 9 years i've know Dan, he's never been more than a self-pitying, melancholic slob. But it's seemed like finally something had snapped, the little awkward kid has finally caved in and gone into school with a semi-automatic. The look in his eye suggested he really wasn't playing and i'd have to bide my time if I was to get out of this unscathed.
Dan calmed himself down and continued. "Now, would you rather shove a cactus up your arse or masturbate with sandpaper?" We both paused for a minute, was he really gonna make us do this? "Andy?"
"Erm, how big is the cactus?"
"You don't know until you've chosen one." he replied.
"Oh come on, are you fucking serious!" I barked back.
"THOSE ARE THE RULES WE'RE PLAYING WITH!"
"How long do you have to masturbate for?" said Craig, finally plucking up the courage to speak for the first time since this evening took it's horrific departure.
"Good question Craig." Dan replied, notably more animated than usual. He was really getting a kick out of this now. "Until you cum, but don't worry, I will provide some materials."
I finally lost it, i'd had enough of this mad shit. "Why the fuck are we discussing this, we don't have to do this, i'm out of here."
"You have to do this because there is a man with a gun against your head." stated Dan cooly.
"You may have a gun and it may be loaded, but that doesn't mean fuck! You still don't have the balls to shoot anyone. Seeya never dickhead!" I tried to sounds as unfazed as possible before turning and making my way to the door.
BANG!
Suddenly my left leg gave way. I couldn't work out what had happened in time to break my fall and with the amount of alcohol I had consumed that night, I fell flat on my face. I turned my head to see what had happened and the searing pain in my calf began to soar. My jeans were slowly turning brown around the wound and a pool of red was growing underneath my leg.
Dan looked almost as shocked as me, but he wasn't going to let his dominance of the situation fade. "Right...now you see. Now you see what's at stake here!"
"You fucking madman, I can't believe you actually shot me. You're nuts!" I yelled at him.
"I'm getting pretty fucking sick of your comments Andy! Now I suggest you two choose, now."
My leg was really screaming now, the pain seemed to build silently until it reached a point where I felt I might pass out. I looked over at Craig and he was just staring at the floor. He seemed to accept this whole situation too easily. Maybe he always knew this day would come. He knew the guy much better than me, he was the one that brought this fucking lunatic into my life. Maybe Dan had said something to him, shared his fucked up thoughts and Craig had just carried on caring for the little rescue dog.
"Well, cactus or sandpaper?" Dan pushed the question.
"Jesus Christ, sandpaper I guess." I still didn't quite believe he was going to make us do this.
"Cactus." Craig muttered sheepishly. The poor bastard. I didn't what sort of stuff he was into sexually, though he met his wife 10 years ago and to my knowledge he's never done it with anyone else. But even if he has experimented with putting stuff up there, a fucking cactus! That area is gonna be a disaster zone afterwards. Mind you, had I really considered my choice. I'm not sure how much skin damage sand paper can do, but even a quickie is likely to leave me with a very red dick at the end of this. Jesus Christ!
Once again Dan made his way to the cupboard at the back of the kitchen, making sure not to turn his back to us and keeping his gun facing forward in case we tried anything, not that I could move anyway. He came back with a fairly modest cactus, the sort that you might find in an office cubicle, some sandpaper, a handful of porn mags and a tub of vaseline. Now that I looked at it the cactus was probably no bigger than a normal sized dildo and it was far more hairy than spiky. I mean, i'm sure they'd still sting a little, but it's nowhere near as bad as it could've been. He gave Craig his implements and made his way over to me.
He passed me the sandpaper and laid the magazines on the floor close enough for me to reach, but out of the way of the ever increasing pool of blood I lay in.
"Now there's quite a range of material there, from fairly soft stuff up to the real hardcore. I know how keen you are on smashing in back doors." He leant in and flashed a toothy, shit-eating eating grin at me. "Now, i'll let you get it up and hard, then it's on with the sandpaper, ok?" I didn't answer, I just wanted to get this done in the hope that he'd end it here, it couldn't get much worse. I started flicking through the material, suffice to say I wasn't really in the mood for a quick wank. On the other side of the room I could see Craig slowly pulling down his trousers under the watchful eye of Dan. That sight definitely wasn't going to help me get into the mood, so despite the immense pain and discomfort it caused me, I turned my body just enough to get the image out of my visual range.
"You might want to try and loosen yourself up a little before you try the cactus." I could hear Dan instructing on the other side of the room. Oh God! Right, get your mind in it, find something you can focus on. How am I ever going to get it up in this situation. I flicked through an entire magazine, unable to find anything that would do the job. By now Craig was tentatively trying the cactus out from what I could hear, but I tried desperately not to focus on it. I decided to try some of the harder magazines, it's only with a truly depraved mindset that I can get it up now. That might work, I was closing my eyes and trying to recreate some of the filth i'd seen on my computer in the past. Any of it, christ there's so much but I couldn't think of a damn thing. I hadn't even picked up the sandpaper yet.
"You'll never get it in with that attitude, here let me help." Dan barked. Suddenly Craig let out an almighty scream. I couldn't help myself, out of the corner of my eye I let myself see the whole disturbing scene. Craig stood bent over with his trousers and underpants around his knees and behind him stood a menacingly gleeful Dan with one hand on the base of the cactus, currently with it's tip in Craig's rectum, and the other holding the gun against Craig's temple. Christ, he'll be done soon and I don't want that maniac over here helping me.
I was semi-erect by now, so I closed my eyes tightly and pictured the most disturbing thing that I could find sexual arousing. My leg was still searing with pain, but I used it. I picked up the sandpaper, wrapped it around my penis and began to rub. I focused entirely on the pain in my leg and went as fast and hard as I could, flashing images through my mind, convincing myself I was enjoying the whole thing. Craig's screaming started to subside and turned to a wounded whimper.
"I think you'r done Craigy-boy." Dan said calmly, "well done." Oh shit, oh shit. He was coming my way. I couldn't concentrate, my mind slipped and I allowed myself to stop and look down at what I had done to myself. It was a real mess, the sandpaper was covered in red, my penis was covered in red, my leg was covered in red. "Come on Andy, you'll never finish with that attitude." Dan grabbed my hand with the sandpaper in it and wrapped it around my penis. I was growing too weak to put up any sort of fight, i'd lost a lot of blood. He gripped incredibly tight and went furiously at it. It stung like hell but i'd just have to go with it.
Why hadn't I picked the cactus. Craig knelt on the other side of the room finished. Sure it'd hurt like hell, but I was in enormous pain too. What the fuck will my penis be like by the time i'm finished, could I ever use it again. Craig could still shit out of his arse, he probably won't be able to sit down for a few weeks, but he can still fuck his wife.
The grass is always greener.
After who knows how long my little member finally coughed up the smallest amount of semen it could muster. Dan had been doing the legwork down there since he came over and I guess he realised it was the most he was going to get. Don't ask me how I managed it, it took some immense pyschological gymnastics to get myself aroused throughout the ordeal, but the job was done. I couldn't bring myself to touch my penis, let alone put it away. One look down there showed me that it was a disaster zone. My entire crotch was filled with blood and I couldn't make out any sort of shape to the thing.
Dan wiped his hand on my shirt and moved back to the centre of the room. "Right guys, one last question."
"Fuck Dan, when will this end!" I whined.
"Just one more, then we're all done, honest." I'd given up the fight by now, I felt like I was going to pass out any moment and had fully surrendered myself to the situation. Craig never had any fight to begin with. "Okay then, I have two bullets left. I started with six, one for mommy, one for daddy, one in the ceiling and one in your leg Andy." He shot me the shit-eating smile again. "The question is, would you rather die or watch your best friend die?"
The room went silent. As soon as he shot me in the leg I kinda knew there was only one way this could end. I looked over at Craig, he was still kneeling, starring at the floor, crying. How could he introduce me to this mad bastard. How could he let me spend so much time with this blatant social reject. He must've known this would happen. The look on his face said it all, this was an inevitable outcome to him. "What happens if we both pick the same option?"
"You won't find out until you've chosen." he replied.
"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE DAN, THESE ARE OUR FUCKING LIVES YOU'RE PLAYING WITH!"
"YOU KNOW THE FUCKING RULES!" he screamed back. "I tell you what, you can both answer after three, ok?"
"1..."
How the fuck did we get into this situation, i've know the guy for 8 years. How could I not know what he's capable of?
"2..."
I mean, I always knew he was moody, eccentric even, but this! Craig always assured me he was a cool guy, just a little misunderstood.
"3.."
He was Craig's friend, he brought him into our lives. Why should I die because he chose to nurture a lunatic. There's no sense in us both dying. Jesus Christ!
"Answer's please."
We both spoke at the same time. "Me." "Him." Craig looked over at me, his face still covered in tears. He looked so hurt, so betrayed.
"There we have it." Dan interjected.
BANG!
Craig fell to the ground almost instantly. Dan turned to me. "Why would I want to live in a world where the only friend I have is a complete cunt!" He put the gun in his own mouth and closed his eyes.
BANG!
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Two weeks on and my leg is still unusable. My penis is healing, but I still try not to touch it if possible when I urinate. There was no way to explain what happened there to anyone, I think the police finally believe I didn't do it. Craig's wife came to see me. I tried to explain what happened, well, some of it. I don't think i'll see her again. His funeral was the other week, I couldn't bring myself to go. Perhaps if i'd have said me Dan would have spared us both. Perhaps he just wanted to end his own life and the rest was just a fucked up game. A test. Every night I lay awake wishing i'd said me instead of him.
The grass is always greener.
