New Year's Resolution

thethemeis: New Year's Resolutions

theauthoris: Aaron Twentythree

   The only person making an attempt on my life is me, Greig had to reassure himself again. He had to repeat this mantra and so many others to himself countless times a day, just to keep the worry from eating him alive. She was looking at you because you looked at her first, when someone glanced his way; you can't have dropped anything incriminating because you don't own anything incriminating, when he'd finished quadruple checking his spot at the bus stop for reputation-damaging paraphernalia he might have left before the bus departed; she can't be pregnant, you didn't even have sex with her, whenever a night he spent long ago with an old flame popped back into his mind seemingly just to haunt him. 

   They came thick and fast, these little gremlins with their scratchy voices and evil influence, telling him to be scared of shopping or commuting or phoning a friend or falling too far into his little crush on that woman at work or even contributing to debates. Every time, no matter how difficult it seemed, they would find a way to twist an event so that Greig was the bad guy, and he was soon to be punished. He was sure to receive a death sentence within the next few days for giving someone on the train a funny look; certain to be struck down by gangs for having his most innocent words misinterpreted.

   This fear of Greig's made life a chore. A simple journey to work became an ordeal that he dreaded more than anything, as he had to battle with a new demon at every step, telling him that passing cars were slowing so their drivers could watch him and strangers could hear his thoughts and he was unknowingly dropping pieces of paper with his address on, which someone would pick up and use to find and slaughter him. At work, conversations became trials as he forced himself to sit through hours of worrying over whether or not he had said something he shouldn't have to someone who had it in for him. Even after eight hours of that every day, he only had another commute and a whole evening of dread to look forward to.

   He couldn't even trust his friends anymore, poor Greig. He was sure they were getting too close, wanting too much access to his life, becoming so entangled with his everyday that soon enough they'd be stalking him if he didn't respond to their calls or messages quick enough. He wondered why some would treat him so fondly, and assumed that they had fallen in love with him and would need to be excommunicated until they had learned to keep their feelings under control. He would worry for hours if they hadn't replied to his correspondence, petrified that he might have offended them beyond belief. The world was darkness closing in on Greig, and it was all he could do to just stay alive enough to still fear his impending murder. 

   A lot of the time, Greig avoided planning anything over a month in advance because a big part of him assumed he wouldn't be alive by then. 

   You don't understand, I know. Greig would have had the same trouble comprehending a year before. He used to be normal, in control, lively and free. He used to be the life and soul, permanently networking without making any effort at all to do so. But now, this was how he lived his life. Something had consumed him, wormed its way into his head and got itself lodged there. He couldn't look at the world like you or I do because his entire perspective had been turned on its head. The world he used to think was so bright and promising had become a dark, haunting place where everyone he saw was a stalker, a murderer, a psychopath, and they were all out to get him. Call it what you will - paranoia, delusions, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; whatever it was, it suddenly reared its ugly head from nowhere in February last year, and now, on the 1st January the next year, he was still tightly held in its grip. 

   It's best to think of it like a virus. Anybody could get it, overnight, and we'd be powerless to stop it growing inside us. There is no such thing as normal to a species whose mental health is so incredibly fragile. 

   But now, he was determined to make it history. Laying on his sofa watching films with his dull New Year's Eve headache still hanging around like an unwelcome housefly, he made a decision. As of this year, he scrawled on the scroll of his mind, I will let go of these insane thoughts. I will get over this affliction and no longer allow this horrible way of thinking to control my life. I am no longer a slave to paranoia.

   And that was the truth. He was sure of it. No more would he allow fears of reprisals for past mistakes cloud his judgement today; no longer would he turn down invitations because he was too worried that he would be stalked the entire evening by unknown and unseen assailants; never again would he hold himself back from flirting with anyone because he feared they might get too close to him and destroy him from the inside. No, Greig was a new man, and it would all begin here! Greig, the man who never made New Year's Resolutions, had made one this year that he was going to keep. 

   With these joyous thoughts, he went to bed and slept better than he had slept in months. 

   

   The next morning, on his way to work, Greig made eye contact with a man in a hood who had his face covered with a scarf, and Greig spent his whole working day terrified that that man with a heart full of violence would be waiting outside of the office to murder him on his way out.