thethemeis: Bad Advice
theauthoris: Aaron Twentythree
‘The one thing you have to know about women,’ the man says, sitting next to his son on a bench at Waterloo East station, the rain beating down on the corrugated roof above them, ‘is that they’re all lying, cheating, filthy bitches. None of them can be trusted, and none of them are worth a second of your time. That’s the truth, buddy. Remember that.’
‘Okay, dad,’ replies the boy, playing with a Dr. X action figure that he holds in his hand.
But the man isn’t finished there.
‘There’s this thing called sex,’ he continues loudly, ‘which you’ll learn about when you grow up, and that’s how babies are made. The one thing you need to know about it is never to have it, because no matter how much you don’t want a baby and no matter how careful you are, those lying cheating bitches I told you about will sabotage the whole thing and get pregnant deliberately just to trap you in. You’ll hear the phrase “lock it down” one day, and let me tell you now that that shit was invented by a woman. A woman thought that up, when she was planning how to get herself preggers and lock her poor man down. Probably poking holes in a condom or something.’
By now, the commuters that stand around waiting for their rides home have started shooting uncomfortable glances at the man, for just a couple of seconds here and there. Some of them let their eyes hover, and judge the man for holding an open can of Fosters; but he doesn’t give a fuck.
‘Okay, dad. What’s a condom?’
‘Just this thing that women sabotage to lock you down, son. Forget about those, they might as well not exist. Bottom line is, don’t have sex. Not with women, anyway.’
‘Got it, dad.’
‘And another thing. If you decide to talk to a woman ever, don’t let them know how much money you have. That’s like, the biggest mistake you can make. Women only like two things: money and power. It’s the only reason they’ll ever be attracted to a man. And once they’ve got that man, they use up all his money and destroy all his power and then they move on, like fucking… leeches. Never let a woman near your credit card, your bank statements, your car, or anything else that means anything at all to you or has any monetary value.’
‘What about my Action Men?’ enquires the boy, looking up at his father and squinting, trying his hardest not to look at the woman who is scowling so harshly at his dad.
‘Fuck your Action Men,’ burps his dad, before taking another huge swig of Fosters. ‘Haven’t you grown out of them yet? How old are you?’
‘Seven and a half.’
‘Younger than I thought. Whatever.’ He hiccoughs.
The woman who has been scowling at the boy’s father tuts and sighs then smiles at the boy, wishing for his sake that his father was giving him a better upbringing. ‘What?’ the man barks, ‘Got something to say, darlin’?’
She hasn’t got anything to say. She returns to her free paper.
‘That’s another thing about women. They think they’re right about every fucking thing in the world. They’ve got more opinions than brain cells. You think of something, I guarantee a woman will have a strong opinion about it. And it’s not just your everyday sensible opinion, it’s a really fucking irate opinion that gets her all riled up and hot and wet about it. She’ll scream the house down about fucking… health policy, but if you talk about something important like football, she’ll roll her eyes like you’re the one who’s always talking shit. And then there’s the…’
‘Dad?’ The boy interrupts.
‘What?’
‘The other day mum said, “Don’t listen to your dad, he’s a complete fucking drunk waste of space. He must be the only man in the world with an IQ identical to his dick length.” Was she right?’
The man just stares at his boy, leaning on his knee with the Fosters can in hand. The woman who was scowling laughs to herself, trying to keep it under wraps but snorting loudly. The conversing pair remains silent for what seems like minutes, just staring into each other’s eyes.
‘Yeah, she probably was,’ says the man, bringing the can to his lips again.
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